Gabrielle's Life and Writings

Gabrielle Lawson, writer of Fanfiction. I will use this space to keep a journal about my writing, the progress I'm making, stories I'm working on, writer's blocks I'm having, our adoption process and progress and just life in general.

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Location: Missouri, United States

I'm multifaceted and highly educated. I have a BA in History and an MA in Museum Studies. But I couldn't make a living in a museum, so my hobby--computers--became my living. I'm now a charter member Microsoft Certified Desktop Support Technician. I aspire to be a professional writer and/or poet. I am a Christian and have been living by His grace for the last four years or so, despite the MegaStress and now the GigaStress. He keeps me going, and displays His glory still, in my life.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

And then there was snow


So I waited for a phone call on Friday and nothing. I left messages on Saturday. Nothing. I was getting worried. Finally, Sunday, I got through. Roommate 1 had had an accident in St. Louis. She'd been in the hospital without her cell phone. She should be here this week.

As for Sister 1, well, I had sent her a certified letter basically saying her stuff was going in the snow if she didn't get it out by the end of February. Another load of her stuff was gone when I got home from work yesterday.

Sister 1 also sent me a really nasty, hurtful e-mail the other day, before she would have received my letter and actually after I'd decided to give the money she owes me to God.

I felt like God was saying "You can't give it to her. So give it to me." I was trying to figure out how to tell Sister 1 because I didn't want her to think of it as a victory or something that confirmed that she was right. She wasn't. This is more of a forgiveness thing. I thought about "I am giving the money you owe me to God. If you are at all grateful, thank Him." I also want to get in a chance to witness.

Of course, I know that no matter what I say, it will be construed against me. I can hear it now. "She thinks she's so pious and holier-than-thou!"

To which Sister 2 and my mom will agree. Thus I've decided I'm done with them. Done. Finished. I don't need my mother's loveless double-standard anymore. I don't need my dysfunctional, anxiety-ridden, master-enabler Sister 2 trying to make me into a clone of her. I don't need little Miss Irresponsible ignoring my boundaries, taking advantage of me and then spitting on me in her gratitude. If they aren't going to change, I don't need them. I can't change them. They have to change themselves. If they won't, then they are no longer a part of my life. I want my things that they have. I want Sister 1's things (the rest of them) out of my house. Then I want them out of my life.

Isn't that drastic? you may ask. Yes. Why not a limited relationship, with boundaries? Because that only sets me up to hope. I tried that with my mom. I accepted that she's shallow. I let go of the bitterness. I accepted that I could only hope for a shallow relationship with her. But that built up the hope. When she said, "I still love you," I cried. I hoped it was true. I hoped she'd be grown-up about this. I hoped she could actually treat me lovingly, support me, at least be a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on. The fall hurts worse each time. She's that shoulder for Sister 1, obviously, as they used pretty much the same words. So she's not even very successful at the non-judgmental part. In fact, she's pretty lousy at her "I don't want to be in the middle of this" stance. She's not in the middle. She's firmly planted on one particular side. Not even willing to admit to herself that my side may have some merit. I actually kind of wish she would read this blog.

So just in case:

Mom,

Funny how you can let Sister 1 talk to you about all this, but you won't let me talk to you about it.

Funny how you say you don't want in the middle of it but end up firmly planted on one side.

Funny how you say you say you can't take sides, but you're always against me.

Funny how you tell me I can't talk about it, but then you can berate me about it on the phone.

Funny how you can hang up on me, but I can't hang up on you.

Funny how you can kick your children out of your house on a day's notice, but I can't give my sister 30-days' notice.

Funny how you can tell me to pay rent or get out--and I did get out--but you can expect me to continue to pay Sister 1's way even when I'm out of money.

Funny how you can tell us to get our things our of your house by a specific day or you'd pitch them, but I'm supposed to hold Sister 1's stuff for 2 months or more.

Funny how you can love and support one of your daughters, but never me.

Funny how you have separate rules for me, a separate standard for me.

Funny how you can be there for your other children but not me.

Funny how you can be my mother for 31 years and know so very little about me.

Funny.

Then why am I not laughing?

Goodbye

On a much happier note: I've been getting good reviews of Faith III. I fixed a few more typos that were pointed out, and, last night, I formatted it for printing. It's 202 pages long, which makes it longer than Oswiecim. If you are interested in the print copy, go to my Stories in Print page.

All I need to do now is format it for .pdb format for Palms.

    Status of Stories
  • Faith III: Peace: formatted for printing
  • The Honored: Moving to the front burner after all these years.

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