Reader it is

For the time being at least. The ASC Awards are upon us, and so I've been reading up on the two series I'll bother voting for. I've read just about every Enterprise story that interested me. There were four I couldn't find. Want a reccomendation? Daria's Loss. Nicely done story. And one that's not elligible but very good, Holy Angels Gaurd Thy Rest, by Mnemosyne. Not only is it a great story (have tissues handy) but the chapter titles make a very poignant poem as well. If that story was eligible, I could almost guarantee it would win Best ENT General Story, or perhaps Romance as it is does have a basis of Reed/Sato. Nothing graphic, mind you. You know I'm not into that. But sadly, I don't believe it was posted to alt.startrek.creative. Then again, it could have been in the years I wasn't paying much attention.

Next up, I shall turn my attention to eligible DS9 stories of interest. Voting for Enterprise starts March 1. For DS9, March 11. MIS will be at the end of the voting period.

Status of Stories: Same place where I left 'em. But I'm thinking of picking up Purgatory again. I may finish it myself if I can't get any other writers.

From Writer to Reader?

Well, I could jump right into writing The Honored but I haven't since finishing Faith. It's not that I won't. It's more that sometimes I need a break after finishing a story. And I have put off a lot of fanfic reading to write. And...yes there's another and...the ASC Awards are coming. If I want to vote, I really need to read some of the stories.

Status of Stories

• Faith, Part III: Peace Posted and available in print and .pdb format as well.
  
• The Honored Simmering quietly in it's new spot on a front burner.
  

Sister update? Same place we were last week. Still haven't figured out how to tell Sister 1 that I've given the money she owes to God. And just to show more evidence of my cold, compassionless nature, I bought tickets for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ for both Sisters 1 and 2, and Sister 2's husband and Sister 3 (I have nothing against Sister 3. She's unchurched though and I'd like for her to see the movie. I've asked Sister 4 to go with me another day.)

Mom? She's churched. She can buy her own ticket.

And then there was snow

So I waited for a phone call on Friday and nothing. I left messages on Saturday. Nothing. I was getting worried. Finally, Sunday, I got through. Roommate 1 had had an accident in St. Louis. She'd been in the hospital without her cell phone. She should be here this week.

As for Sister 1, well, I had sent her a certified letter basically saying her stuff was going in the snow if she didn't get it out by the end of February. Another load of her stuff was gone when I got home from work yesterday.

Sister 1 also sent me a really nasty, hurtful e-mail the other day, before she would have received my letter and actually after I'd decided to give the money she owes me to God.

I felt like God was saying "You can't give it to her. So give it to me." I was trying to figure out how to tell Sister 1 because I didn't want her to think of it as a victory or something that confirmed that she was right. She wasn't. This is more of a forgiveness thing. I thought about "I am giving the money you owe me to God. If you are at all grateful, thank Him." I also want to get in a chance to witness.

Of course, I know that no matter what I say, it will be construed against me. I can hear it now. "She thinks she's so pious and holier-than-thou!"

To which Sister 2 and my mom will agree. Thus I've decided I'm done with them. Done. Finished. I don't need my mother's loveless double-standard anymore. I don't need my dysfunctional, anxiety-ridden, master-enabler Sister 2 trying to make me into a clone of her. I don't need little Miss Irresponsible ignoring my boundaries, taking advantage of me and then spitting on me in her gratitude. If they aren't going to change, I don't need them. I can't change them. They have to change themselves. If they won't, then they are no longer a part of my life. I want my things that they have. I want Sister 1's things (the rest of them) out of my house. Then I want them out of my life.

Isn't that drastic? you may ask. Yes. Why not a limited relationship, with boundaries? Because that only sets me up to hope. I tried that with my mom. I accepted that she's shallow. I let go of the bitterness. I accepted that I could only hope for a shallow relationship with her. But that built up the hope. When she said, "I still love you," I cried. I hoped it was true. I hoped she'd be grown-up about this. I hoped she could actually treat me lovingly, support me, at least be a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on. The fall hurts worse each time. She's that shoulder for Sister 1, obviously, as they used pretty much the same words. So she's not even very successful at the non-judgmental part. In fact, she's pretty lousy at her "I don't want to be in the middle of this" stance. She's not in the middle. She's firmly planted on one particular side. Not even willing to admit to herself that my side may have some merit. I actually kind of wish she would read this blog.

So just in case:

Mom,

Funny how you can let Sister 1 talk to you about all this, but you won't let me talk to you about it.

Funny how you say you don't want in the middle of it but end up firmly planted on one side.

Funny how you say you say you can't take sides, but you're always against me.

Funny how you tell me I can't talk about it, but then you can berate me about it on the phone.

Funny how you can hang up on me, but I can't hang up on you.

Funny how you can kick your children out of your house on a day's notice, but I can't give my sister 30-days' notice.

Funny how you can tell me to pay rent or get out--and I did get out--but you can expect me to continue to pay Sister 1's way even when I'm out of money.

Funny how you can tell us to get our things our of your house by a specific day or you'd pitch them, but I'm supposed to hold Sister 1's stuff for 2 months or more.

Funny how you can love and support one of your daughters, but never me.

Funny how you have separate rules for me, a separate standard for me.

Funny how you can be there for your other children but not me.

Funny how you can be my mother for 31 years and know so very little about me.

Funny.

Then why am I not laughing?

Goodbye

On a much happier note: I've been getting good reviews of Faith III. I fixed a few more typos that were pointed out, and, last night, I formatted it for printing. It's 202 pages long, which makes it longer than Oswiecim. If you are interested in the print copy, go to my Stories in Print page.

All I need to do now is format it for .pdb format for Palms.

Status of Stories

• Faith III: Peace: formatted for printing
  
• The Honored: Moving to the front burner after all these years.
  

Oh, and about the sister stuff....

Okay, which was Sister 1 and which was Sister 2? Hmmm... Let's go with Sister 1 as the one who lived with me and Sister 2 as the other sister. Well, I haven't heard from Sister 2 in quite awhile, even after I left a message asking if she wanted my couch. See? Offering her my extra couch is good evidence of my cold and incompassionate nature, huh? As for sister 1, I want nothing to do with her once she gets her things out of my garage. She is hateful, hurtful, ungrateful, selfish, contemptuous, illogical, irresponsible, and immature. I refused to be abused by her anymore. Her things are in the garage and she needs to have all of it out by the 28th.

And even more fun, my mom chewed me out again. She told me she didn't want to talk about the money Sister 1 owed me as I wouldn't like what she had to say. This was after I asked where I could buy a futon for under $200. She asked what I would do with Sister 1's futon. I said nothing. I'd offered to buy it from Sister 1 but she didn't want to sell it. I offered to buy it so that 1) I'd have something for future boarders to sleep on, 2) so that she wouldn't have to take it apart to move it, and 3) to reduce her debt to me. Again, evidence of my cold and incompassionate nature. If you don't see the sarcasm in that, I'm going to guess that your my mom or Sister 2. After saying she didn't want to talk about the money, which I said "fine" to, she proceeded to bombast me about how Sister 1 couldn't have gotten her stuff the last two weekends because of the weather. I didn't bother to tell her that there were plenty of very nice weekends before that or that Sister 1 was given 30 days from November 28th to move out and is now 35 days past due! She then went on to say that if I made Sister 1 pay rent for December and January (I did for Dec, and prorated January for the 1-12 as she did get one load of her stuff that day), she would make me pay for when my stuff was at her house.

On the rational side, I know this is ridiculous. The law states that if she doesn't take her belongings, she hasn't vacated, thus she is still responsible for rent and utilities. The law, however, does not state that my mother can retroactively charge me rent when 1) we had no such arrangement when my stuff was there, 2) my stuff is no longer there, and 3) when she told me I had to have it out by a specific date, I did have it out.

On the emotional side, it hurts. A lot.

Notice a double-standard anywhere in this? When I tried to tell my mom that legally, Sister 1, owes me rent, she interrupted me, then abruptly said "Bye" and hung up on me. Now, she got onto me for when I hung up on her last time. She expected me to have my things out by the day she said. She doesn't expect Sister 1 to have to do the same when I said, not even when I gave Sister 1 30 days to do it. And there was no "I still love you" this time. Not even a "love ya". I don't think I would have believed her if she had said that. It wouldn't be the first time.

They are up-side-down. In their twisted world, good is bad and bad is good, lies are truth and the truth is a lie, and what is right for them is wrong for me. Everything is wrong for me. I probably breathe wrong. I'm a pariah, the evil one, the black sheep of the family. Upside down. I'm tired of their upside down-ness. I'm tired of their scorn, their criticism, their opinions, their selective memories, their partiality that always comes down on the side opposite me, and never in the middle. I'm tired of the hurt. I'm tired of not being loved. I'm tired of being held to a separate standard. I'm tired of them.

I don't want them anymore. I don't need them anymore. I never did. I need abuse like I need a hole in the head. God doesn't make mistakes, but sometimes we can't see the reasons He has. I can't see the reason I was put in this family to start with.

I'm done. God gets the money Sister 1 owed me. Once her stuff is out of my house, she is out of my life, and with her go Sister 2 and the one who was supposed to be my mother. She apparently failed to read the job description anyway.

You may wonder why I'd put this in my Blog this way. I'm not worried. They'll never read it. That would actually require an interest in my life. Am I bitter? Yes, tonight I am. My Al-Anon sponser once gave me this tool: Bitterness is like taking a poison and expecting the other person to die. It's a good tool. I'll try and use it. Right now the hurt is too fresh.

So now, let's leave the depressing behind and say that I've got a boarder. Roommate 1 will be moving in on Friday. She used to have big cats. I mean BIG CATS: panthers and a tiger! I think it will be interesting having her here.

My friend and I painted one 1 1/2 walls in the basement this weekend and I bought a space heater for it. It's warming up down there. I'll need another gallon to finish it, but it's very expensive paint and will have to wait until I have more money.

Now, after all that writing and home improvement activities, I've got to clean my house.

Oh wait, did I forget to tell you?

I finished it!!! Faith, Part III: Peace was posted about 12:30 am Central on the 31st of January. So I posted it within 23 1/2 hours of my deadline!

It's posted to my own page: The Edge of the Frontier

Fanfiction.net

and to the newsgroup alt.startrek.creative.

May I remind you that the awards year for alt.startrek.creative has just ended? Thus the awards will be beginning shortly. Be sure to go and support your favorite authors and stories by voting. Votes happen by comments. You really should only do this if you are a regular at asc, even a regular lurker, as the admins are on the alert for vote stuffers. They get suspicious when new names crop up that they've never heard. If you want to get to be a regular at asc, go over there and post something or reply to an existing post. It's a newsgroup about Star Trek fanfic, the writing and the reading thereof.

Status of Stories

• Faith, Part III: Peace: Finished! Posted! Still some typos....
  
• The Honored: Just moved from the back burner to the front!